Since God doesn’t have the power of speech and can’t do texting or use email, He must communicate through the weather. Conservatives know this and have decoded the meaning of His weather patterns. Here’s what we know so far:

If a storm traverses Florida from east to west, his message relates to homosexuality. The strength of the storm (the category) indicates the targets of his disapproval:

1. Gay women
2. Gay men
3. Gays marrying
4. Gays who have marriages more successful than many straight Christians
5. Gays who are teachers or in the military
6. Anyone who seeks or has a gender change; He doesn’t make mistakes like that - putting the wrong brain with the wrong private parts.

If a storm hooks around and traverses Florida from west to east, his message relates to liberals attacking Christianity and the Bible. Those liberals who claim that they really want Christians to read those Bibles are lying.

If a storm makes landfall over Texas, His message deals with abortion. You’re only allowed to have sex as many times as the number of children you want. The burlap is optional but recommended.

If a storm makes landfall over Texas, reverses direction and hits the coast of South America, then reverses direction again, makes a figure 8 over the Gulf, and hits Texas with increased intensity, He wants us to better care for the children who are born.

If a storm misses Florida, makes landfall over Louisiana and continues north, His message relates to liberals trying to deny God-fearing people their right to firearms, which is guaranteed in the Second Commandment.